I Am Yesterday. You Are Present. We Are Tomorrow

I am about to plunged myself into a very deep deep hole. Not even light escape.

At least I am still alive. I might be quite smooth at taking my own life on the second time. First time you will do it with guilt and complication. Second time, you will do it without even thinking about it. It supposed to be a hell of a kind of sleeping pill, sort of LSD type. Five of them will surely get you crossing to the other side. Too bad I took the wrong pill. It was all antihistamine. Even its drowsing side effect cannot even get me sleep over for one day. I woke up at four in the morning with my hand shaking.

With my asthma nose became so clear.

The sky is so bright today, but I couldn’t find my sun. My heart is so dark inside and felt like I was going to be plunged into a very deep and endless hole. It is that black hole again: black endless hole. I still remember the first time. I did that is not because of trying to win back the woman I love. It was because of this hole. I feel like I was crush by this dark tiny hole that keep sucking me in. I can’t breath and I want to get out of that. The psychiatrist told me later that it is some form of depression and I need therapy. Believe me, the whole procedure of the therapy will get me no where but to make everything worse. So, I told him that I will decide to skip the therapy. Those drug will help you nothing but to keep you afloat. And a person of my type will be most frustrated to be out of control and live my life like a cabbage.

Now, here I am again. Standing on the edge of that hole.

Love can come and go like a winter breeze or summer wind. Relationship is all ideas about the negotiation on the level of freedom. When the issue of freedom is brought up on the table, you can be quite certain that the love is gone. Love, by nature, is a form of need to be obligated. So when freedom became the issue, it meant that we are no longer talking about love here. I still believe in love, but it might be a different kind of love that I have within. I wish my love will be light, clean and less demanding. Apparently, it has always been the opposite. I was so intense and serious about the feeling. I was so obsessed and consumed by love totally. Once I had it, it became my breath and my blood. Everything about my life will then became about my love despite my busy time table. I would forget about my family, friends and even work. I would always think of what I can do better for the woman I love. And that might became the critical issue. Sometimes I tried too hard and leave her with no air to breath.

And now she no longer loves me.

It was the first time I did that because of a woman. Because of love. It was fast and without hesitation. It was also very stupid on a glimpse of emotion. Lucky that I took the wrong pill so the situation has been less complicated. No hospital involved. I was only surprised that it has become so simple on the second time. But that’s it. There will be no third time. I am already dead. I even became more dead than a real physical death. I have already became that ghost.

Without heart. Without warmth.

I am still keeping myself off the edge of that hole a bit. Don’t know for how long. Until someone will pull me away.