I Am Yesterday. You Are Present. We Are Tomorrow

When we stop seeking, only then that, we shall find.

Love and kindness.

But you don’t want to loose yourself.

But men are all selfish anyway. And they are all set themselves as a centre of the universe. Being a man is suck. They all breath in sexuality relationship and they are all greed to ensure everything around him fill up his hole.

“Don’t love a man just to prove that you love yourself.” I converted that from EAT PRAY LOVE. I regularly watch these drama movie on the plane. That is why my life has always been this dramatically critical, I think.

Or perhaps I am more to a woman side than a man.

I always make jokes that I’m always ready on the verge of being gay. My attitude towards love and relationship are somewhat man and more to a woman. I still have that selfishness of man within me but I fancy the woman’s idea towards love. I love the fragile thought of women that sometimes becomes unpredictable and irrational. I was found by the beauty of it.

From women perspective: men were not supposed to have a real heart. Men supposed to be a self-centred biological organism that keep a relationship to fill in his void. Sometimes it was for loneliness, sexuality, status or even recognition. Woman are the only species that understand the true meaning of love and we, men, are just helping them to get there. In fact, they always think we did our good job of filling their hole and not very in filling our own. Woman don’t normally accept the idea of man have such things as “moments”. They always rely on us as a logical machine that works when needed. We have always been a vehicle of her love. So, we are by nature, obligated to be kind and understanding.

And it has been worked like that throughout the history of man and woman just fine. Until there are some few men that became more a woman than he should be. Then things will started to get complicated.

Through a relationship, woman can get scared. She would scared of loosing herself: her dream, her ambition, her pulse or her energy. Many of them find their own way to get their groove back. Some just stop a relationship and became an isolated soul. Some just screw up with the relationship by flirting and having sex with a strange young man. Some might go to India. Some might do all the three. I can possibility understand them all. Well, except the having sex with a young man part. And perhaps also the India.

One thing that woman don’t care to know is men, also have that certain moment that they get scared. They normally isolate themselves by sport, cars, watches, vinyls or any other kind of toy. Or sometimes they just need to be alone in the forest, being with himself. Men, also, got scared to loose himself too. But because we are not normally considered as a sensitive type from the beginning, so we were meant only to embrace women and not vise versa. And one day, that certain man may act strangely without reasoning, from a woman standpoint, because we have been suppress with that feeling for so long. We would appear to be crazy and suddenly selfish. On the contrary, we will always think things had happened in the opposite way.

Only that men and women stop seeking for what they are looking for, only then, that they will find. Only when we stop seeking for ourselves that we shall find others. You will find love only when you least expecting it.

As well as the happiness.

I am about to plunged myself into a very deep deep hole. Not even light escape.

At least I am still alive. I might be quite smooth at taking my own life on the second time. First time you will do it with guilt and complication. Second time, you will do it without even thinking about it. It supposed to be a hell of a kind of sleeping pill, sort of LSD type. Five of them will surely get you crossing to the other side. Too bad I took the wrong pill. It was all antihistamine. Even its drowsing side effect cannot even get me sleep over for one day. I woke up at four in the morning with my hand shaking.

With my asthma nose became so clear.

The sky is so bright today, but I couldn’t find my sun. My heart is so dark inside and felt like I was going to be plunged into a very deep and endless hole. It is that black hole again: black endless hole. I still remember the first time. I did that is not because of trying to win back the woman I love. It was because of this hole. I feel like I was crush by this dark tiny hole that keep sucking me in. I can’t breath and I want to get out of that. The psychiatrist told me later that it is some form of depression and I need therapy. Believe me, the whole procedure of the therapy will get me no where but to make everything worse. So, I told him that I will decide to skip the therapy. Those drug will help you nothing but to keep you afloat. And a person of my type will be most frustrated to be out of control and live my life like a cabbage.

Now, here I am again. Standing on the edge of that hole.

Love can come and go like a winter breeze or summer wind. Relationship is all ideas about the negotiation on the level of freedom. When the issue of freedom is brought up on the table, you can be quite certain that the love is gone. Love, by nature, is a form of need to be obligated. So when freedom became the issue, it meant that we are no longer talking about love here. I still believe in love, but it might be a different kind of love that I have within. I wish my love will be light, clean and less demanding. Apparently, it has always been the opposite. I was so intense and serious about the feeling. I was so obsessed and consumed by love totally. Once I had it, it became my breath and my blood. Everything about my life will then became about my love despite my busy time table. I would forget about my family, friends and even work. I would always think of what I can do better for the woman I love. And that might became the critical issue. Sometimes I tried too hard and leave her with no air to breath.

And now she no longer loves me.

It was the first time I did that because of a woman. Because of love. It was fast and without hesitation. It was also very stupid on a glimpse of emotion. Lucky that I took the wrong pill so the situation has been less complicated. No hospital involved. I was only surprised that it has become so simple on the second time. But that’s it. There will be no third time. I am already dead. I even became more dead than a real physical death. I have already became that ghost.

Without heart. Without warmth.

I am still keeping myself off the edge of that hole a bit. Don’t know for how long. Until someone will pull me away.