I Am Yesterday. You Are Present. We Are Tomorrow

Sitting peacefully outdoor on a normal street coffee place. It is a nice cold wind around me in this city. Finally winter does arrive.

The weather has been kind to me lately: And so does love.

Sometimes when you have no formal obligation all at once, you can be lost in your own damn mind. Holidays could be good and bad for a person like me. I wish I could be more relaxing but I couldn’t. Owning a company does pay its bill. Freedom is virtual and always there is a piece of stone in your pockets. Throw the one in the left pocket away and you would still find another one in your right.

We drove out of town yesterday and it has been such a heaven. Nice cold wind through our heads, great food and a little bit of an ocean.  And it all coming back to me that love could be so good in a certain way. Only when we are truly together.

“Our land could be somewhere on that shoreline, you know?” She pointed her finger across the water, from the restaurant we were to the adjacent beach.

“I know. It is going to be a house with a larger walk in closet.” I giggled.

“We can have two separate houses then.”

“That is definitely not the idea of living together my dear.” And then I smiled.

Sarcasm is biological, I believe. I also have that in every drop of my blood. That is why I was so fine with hers.  And I was also so fine with the amount of food we had on the table that day. We both know it was too plenty. But we don’t do it everyday on an ocean like this. So let us enjoy this wonderful moment then.

She was wearing her sunglasses: almost a perfect round that look similar to one of mine. It could be a purpose or it could be fate: but I think we always have things in common. We love hats. We always text the same idea of word at the same time. We love cat but now she is more into her small dog. I could also say that we are both contain aesthetically appreciation. She love to draw and so do I, even though it only for a different purpose. And definitely we both hate to see ourselves in similar ways with thing in common. We love to be different from each other in a certain way. She loves detachment and I am always bound to the detachment by obligation and limitation.

“I want a separated toilet then. I want to spend time in the toilet”

“That is much easier, I think.”

Later on we drove back to the city and spend an evening together in the movie. It was our first time since we met for several months. It has been more difficult when you are older and trying to go to the movie, I think. Time is not always on your side. It was a good movie. And it was our great time together. Even though with a little bit of traffic on the way I drove her back to her home, things went so well.

I was holding her in my arms in front of the stair in her house. It was an intensive hug and kisses. I can feel body almost blend into hers and subside. Our hearts did beat as one. I realised then that we are both so in love.

“Merry Christmas to you my dear.” I whispered in her ear.

“No it is Kiss-A-Must.” She replied.

So that would be my first Kiss-A-Must with her then.

The nice and cold breeze still passing through my head here in this coffee place. I breath it deeply while it still lasts. The magic of the winter morning is still in the air. And so does love.

I’d better get back on my bike and paddling.

“I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sleep

Will I ever know,

Is there a ghost in my house”

BAND OF HORSES, Is There A Ghost

I was playing Monopoly with my children on Monday afternoon. It was some kind of public holiday, I think. Monopoly is the only board game that still connect me with my children. Ever since my divorce, things has never been the same. Monopoly is one of the few things that still connect us three; I, my son and my daughter. They are my only direct responsibility and I have never been good enough for them. Even worse, I will not see my son in few days through the next weekend. He is going to be in the school camp of some sort. So i tried to make our time worthwhile. The game was getting to its peak and then my phone rang.

It was my girlfriend.

So she finished her work earlier than planned. We were supposed to meet and I was excited about that. We see each other almost everyday. I think love drive that effort out of me. 40 minutes driving everyday seemed unlikely for me few months back. But now it seems to be quite normal recently. I put down the phone telling her that I will be there as soon as I can.

“I have to go.”, I told my children. “You guys can just keep on going. You can keep your May Fair and Park Lane and charging your sister like hell, son.”

“That is ok dad. The game would be finished when you leave. We can play other things.”

“Yes!”, my daughter said. “We can play Bingo!”

I turn my back to them and had a quick shower. Another few minutes, I was already in my car. The traffic was not that bad on such a holiday but still it tools me another 40 minutes to be at her house. And it was later in the afternoon. The sun is fading fast in this winter light.

I was standing in front of her house. She was not inside. I called few times but no answer. I started to get frustrated as usual. I am ok to be handle casually from time to time but it is not like I don’t feel anything. So, I was still standing there for few minutes until she rode her new scooter from the other side of the road. I was smiling then.

So I asked to try her new scooter. I thought I may need to practice with this machine just in case I would drive her around this community. In fact, it is a nice community. Her new house is facing the lake surrounded by housing that was planned in the early 70’s. It was a good planning, though. A market and certain commercial area nearby that contain everything you can think of. It is such a private universe that can be an escape from the real world. I was dreaming of moving myself here when older with ease.  At least when my children become less needed of me.

It was a rough ride on the scooter. I bang it to the footpath even once and damage a car a bit. I was shivering with guilt. I said I would pay for the fix then. Or perhaps I would buy her a new one. It was not a good way to started our day with, I think. She was kind enough not complaining but I still feel her upset through the eyes and action. I think my complex emotion started to roll over since then.

When someone got mad at you, ignorant became mandatory. And I would expect that as much as I could handle. I would not be that complicated inside unless my guilt was not too overwhelming. I hate disturbing other people even with a small thing. It is the same reason I don’t drive other people’s car. I don’t know why I have to feel that bad. It was a simply accident. But the feeling won’t go away.

She excused herself for a brief nap. I would be kind of understand that. So I left myself out quietly for a walk nearby. I was heading to the lake. A large sheet of water always calm me down. The sun is getting lower every minutes and the water became a large sheet of wrinkled blanket. And I started seeing things in black and white again. My eyes filled with tears for no reason. That is when I realised I was crying. I didn’t have a particular reason for that, I thought. So I stood up and walked back to the house.

She woke up already when I saw her back in the house and started taking care of her dog.      She always think that I had things with her dog. Even though I spent at least two and a half year with a dog with similar face of my ex-girlfriend, I could tell several difference between the two. It was just like a ghost haunted in the first place, though. But I always thought of myself to far sophisticated to judge two dogs on the same face to be the same manner. They are definitely two different dog. It was the owner of the previous dog that I had a problem with. It was the same sentence all over again.

“I have the dog and you have your children. I think that is fair enough.” And that was my ex-girlfriend saying. I don’t know it should be compared the love of a father to a love of an owner. But I took the comment deliberately.

I just think that, of cause, I took care of my children, but I never put it forward in the middle of any relationship. In fact, if they don’t notice, they wouldn’t even spot the different. It could be some pain to me but it has always been alright. It is a pain I chose so no complaint. But it has always been the girls who consistently put her dog into the middle of relationship. I would be kind of understand part of the rationale to that but not totally convinced by its necessity.

And then the phone rang. It was her sister long distance call. And it was fine she took that call. All the rationale seemed to be logical. But something in the atone of all things happened, you could still feel the ignorant. The purposely ignorant. It could be because of the scooter I broke, because her dog was slightly sick, because of I was annoying from my guilt, or simply because of her tiring from her day’s work. Or perhaps all of that. At certain point of a guy emotion threshold, the temper does, from time to time, arise above the surface of reason. Must be a ghost inside me that make me stand up form the coach and walk to the car. I started the engine and drove off.

I didn’t of driving anywhere far. But when she called, a ghost inside just said I was driving back home. Of cause, I turn my wheel back to her house but never expected anything to be the same again. I think someone was just meant to be lonely. Someone with a ghost inside. Too much of sensitiveness beyond control. And that would hurt everyone surrounded. A great love to be given to nothingness. Some kind of love that was, in fact, meant to be lonely.

And there will always be a ghost in my house.