I Am Yesterday. You Are Present. We Are Tomorrow

It is going to be the longest five nights of my life.

Just when you found love, you will always be torn apart from it.

I’m on my way to London tonight and it is going to be bloody hurt. Wind in Bangkok starting to blow from a different direction. I know that winter is coming. Several winter has gone by with emptiness in my soul and coldness in my heart. I know this year it is going to be different. But how much different? I don’t know. But a human always live on hope and feed by dream. And I’m just a human.

Like any other human, I have obligations. Obligations that hold you back a bit from dream and pull you back to reality. Just like gravity. The same gravity that all way pull you back to earth and crush you. But as long as you are still living on earth, you are bound to the present of it.

My mind is traveling far away on the island with lesser lives but more soul. A clear water and blue sky. A white sand beach. I can see two birds feeding each other on love and dream. No more window glass to fly into: just simply reality. And they would be always flying, from the earth to the heaven.

Against all gravity and beyond.

…

I’m smiling to myself.

…

“Anyone who is watching us right now might think you are leaving for a year or something.”, she said that, laughing.

She is showing me her notebook. It was a image of half a girl.

‘It was like half of me is being torn away.’ She wrote in the book.

We were sitting in the car earlier, watching into the darkness sky. I knew it is going to be only four nights. I always do four nights away and it always seems quite simple. Somehow, this time it is going the hardest.

I was originally very dramatic about what I’m about to say. I thought about whispering the word into her ear under the clear blue sky on the white sand beach. But now we were sitting in the car on the roof top airport parking garage with few hours away from my departure.

And it was absolutely incredibly romantic.

My chest was about to burst into pieces and fill up the whole darkness in the sky. I couldn’t say much. I was watching into her eyes. A strong connection. A deep dig into the abyss. You felt you already plunged into the deep endless hole. And you are still falling. Keep falling deeper. And deeper. Every second passing by.

And I said the word.

It was the word that I haven’t really utter for years. I always secure it in my deepest part of the empty soul. My personal stupid rules, I think. And I only give it with my honest feeling. My last sanctuary.

Her hat tug away her beautiful eyes from my sight. But I can still found her smile.

“Thank you, really.” Still with that smile.

Next thing I knew I was holding her in my arms. Her body fully but softly melt into mine. It was so warm and gentle. I could almost feel the heart beating. And the whole night plunged into absolute silence. The world stop moving. Time stopped. Only the heart still beating.

And with the perfect harmony.

I guessed this was how love should be found.

…

“I think I should be going.”, she says that, hesitating.
“That is right. I don’t want to see you drive very late at night. And thanks for driving me here.”
“It is ok. I will tell you once it is not ok.”
“Promise me that you won’t change.”
“It is more to you that I should be worry.”
“I love you”
“I know.”

…

Simply the thought of her can keep me company during the long night. Now I know how to define love that separates myself form a sheer loneliness. Love make absence smiling, not crying. When you know you are being loved, you know that you are not alone. Love travels with you everywhere you go and surrounding you; embracing you. You have the warmth, you have the confidence. You are missed and you will no longer obligated to being lonely.

She gave me the music before I left. She said it is the only song in the album that she has been listening over and over again for the past few months without particular reason. It is about two people that were found with certain strange similarity. They were both different to the others and always find themselves do not belong. And once they found each other, it became a perfect harmony.

‘Never thought of the day we would have found each other standing here,
Only that we met, we can feel. There is something going on.
And when we talked, there is more to the meaning of the words,
There must be something between us two that completed bounded.’

Suddenly, it was the sound of the plane wheel squeezing onto the runway that woke me up. Two birds in my dream were also pulled apart in all of the sudden. I woke up again into the reality: The reality that separated us.

I’m back in London again.