My feet are on the white sand beach.
I always notice the different kind of sand on each beach. Some are sort of white. Some are more yellow. Some has large grain. Some has a very refine and light grain. And some are really white. I remember saw some sand beach which are totally black. And some beach without any sand at all.
Hua Hin sand is one of those that I like. Sort of white with a fine grain. Perfect beach to walking with bare feet. The sun is setting on the other side of the ocean. We have nice sun today: a orange pink colour key casting on her face.
It could have been a romantic walk, except for the fact that we both realised the true meaning of the world of reality. The reality that composed of past, present and future: action and consequences. I have the past and she has the present. I was married, divorced and living with my two children. She are married and living her dream life in London. We both know that no matter how high are our dreams, reality is always an editable gravity that pull us both back to the ground. Such a gravity that can pull you so hard, crush you and tear you apart.
She is looking at the pony on the beach: those services that you can hire a ride for an hour.
“I want to ride the horse.”
“I’m afraid I don’t have cash with me at the moment.”
“I still want to ride that horse.”
Of cause, she didn’t have her chance.
I have a feeling that a relationship between opposite sex is nothing more than a negotiation of political space and the notion of body. First, all would start with separate ideology. Guy will have their ideology and so does the girl. So the question is: when do we really fall in love with one another? Or we always just simply fall in love with our ideology. A man will see a girl only through his embedded ideology. Otherwise he may never become to “like” the woman. So he makes himself love a woman who he think he wants to love and never really for what she is. And so does the woman.
And when they started to know more and more about each other, their ideology start to disappear. It will be their shear luck if once the ideology subside, they still found their “loved” ones appearing similar to their ideology. Otherwise, it will be a pure tragedy.
I don’t think we both had come to the realisation of that yet. We are still fall in love in each other’s ideology. And we may want to keep it that way.
Or we might want to end it that way. It is the only way that let love live eternally.
She does not speak much and I take a lot of her photos. It is a nice sunset light that we have. With a strange pattern of the sky.
Her plan was to be in Bangkok for a month and catch up with the city. Perhaps she might only want to come and see me. But as my life normally unfold, it has always been a cramped timetable. We rarely see each other, even though I let her work in my studio during the day time. My life is not structured for a proper relationship, perhaps. I don’t know whether she had realised it earlier. Perhaps she already has by now.
So this walk on the beach is a matter of shear opportunity. A dream, perhaps. And like every other dreams, it will end.
We have walked quite far from the hotel. I barely see the sight of it now. And the beach is still stretching further and further with no ending insight. She wants to walk even further but I noted to her that it might took longer on the way back. And it getting dark.
Reality is like gravity. It can crush you and tear you apart.
She want to go on but I want to go back.
My feet are cold and wet.
A minute later we found ourselves walking in the opposite direction. I still love the white sand beneath my feet.
And it has been a perfect day.
I Am Yesterday. You Are Present. We Are Tomorrow 